3 Ways To Tend To Your Grief
A friend recently asked me what my favorite ways of tending to grief were. I have to admit - my own answer made me wince a little! As I'm navigating some fresh grief, the ways that are easiest for me to "show up" usually include checking out. I will oscillate between things like binge watching shows or immersing myself in work/action and overthinking.
When I think about my favorite ways of tending to grief; however, they aren't often "easy." (Although they may be comforting or gentle - especially when grief is active). And when I'm in it with grief - my inner child does not want to be challenged. They don't want to have to feel what they're feeling - I don't want to have to feel what I'm feeling.
Unfortunately; however, to honor our grief. To grow around it. There requires a certain level of presence, of feeling our feelings. It's not about trying to change what we're feeling - but to lessen the discomfort of being present with our feelings. When we're present with what we're feeling - we learn so much more about how to tend to this heartache.
If you’re interested in becoming a steward of grief - join me at the upcoming Tending To This Grief group. Or email me to talk about bringing grief stewardship work to your organization or group. xo
This is an expansion on what I shared with my friend - and I welcome the push back from your younger and/or tender-hearted selves ;)
1) Lean into the discomfort of vulnerability - this is the one that made me wince, y'all! And, just as I have to remind myself - there is the possibility of connection and being seen in vulnerability - whether I'm being vulnerable with myself or my community. When I isolate away even from my own experience and feelings - I distance myself from that possibility. And our grief is begging to be seen.
When I am hurting, I looooaaaaathheeee being vulnerable. All I want to do is run and hide away. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how sometimes the more accessible avenue for me is to seek out a discomfort I am familiar with (ie hiding away) instead of seeking out something I'm less familiar with (ie vulnerability). Almost as though I'm choosing the comfort of known discomfort over the discomfort of unknown/uncertain comfort. If that makes sense! As I continue to receive feedback that vulnerability can be a positive thing, that it's hard and it's worth it, I learn to trust that possibility more and more.
Bonus: being vulnerable helps to call in my community to support me. It helps me step out of individualism and into collective care.
Pro Tip: We don't have to be perfect in showing up for one another. We certainly don’t have to have the right words either. Often times there isn’t anything we can say that will fix the pain. Being present with our loved ones amid their pain, as we have capacity, is a beautiful gift.
2) When grief is active, stay hydrated/nourished and seek softness. When I'm in the throws of grief - having a lot of options for how to take care is often overwhelming to me. It starts to feel like a "to-do" list. I don’t need all the things, I need the basics. Scaling it back in this way makes it more accessible for me. Drink water. Try to remember to eat something. Take my meds. And if I still have capacity - wrap myself up in a blanket, listen to the ocean or birds - or whatever feels like softness to you.
Pro Tips: set an alarm to remember; offer to bring your grieving friends food or send texts (with their consent) reminding them to take their meds or offer to be there.
Softness Ideas: write out a list of what feels like softness, warm hugs, gentleness to you. Come back to this list when you’re in heartache. Some ideas for your list might include: make a cup of tea and feel the steam on your face, stand in the shower and feel the water flow over you, hug your body and sway, cuddle with your fur babe, being wrapped up in the arms of a loved one.
3) Treat our grief as if it were our younger self. Dominant culture wants us to turn away from grief - but how might we turn towards it - and nurture it - if we frame it this way? How might we show up with compassion, softness, curiosity when we think of grief as a child? Whether it’s our grief - or someone else’s. Again, we’re not trying to change what we’re feeling, but to lessen the discomfort and isolation of being with these feelings.
Pro Tip: this is a practice, too. When you’re feeling grounded, imagine all the ways you would like to treat your younger self. All the ways you were or wish you had been nurtured. Make a list.
Bonus Idea: When I was younger, making “babysitting kits” a la Babysitter’s Club for the kids I took care of was a deep fascination of mine, lol. Make your own “babysitting kit” for your younger self. Add your list of everything you dreamed up ^ and create something you can open when you need. This could be digital or something you could pull out from under your bed. It could include things like: your fave tv show queued up, a tea cup and a box of tea, a candle, a list of folks you can reach out to, your favorite stuffy, etc.
Extra Bonus Idea: Get a group of friends and/or family together. Make these kits for one another.
Lastly, We are not meant to feel all of this pain all at once - whether it's the pain of the world, the pain of what we're currently navigating, or all of the above. We get to feel joy, too. We get to immerse ourselves in the pretend lives of someone else for 20 minutes. We get to take breaks. And we bring each other back.
xo
Michelle